The Importance of Assertiveness

The idea of assertiveness is often misunderstood and given a meaning quite different from what is intended. For example, we often hear people say such things as: 'Jane's quite assertive. Everyone is scared of her'. Well, of course, if Jane were genuinely assertive, no one would have any reason to be scared of her, because she would be handling interpersonal interactions very skilfully and sensitively to ensure what the textbooks refer to as 'win-win' outcomes - that is, producing results that all parties involved are reasonably happy with. We have to be very clear that the term 'assertive' does not mean stroppy or pushy; it means having the skills and commitment to try and ensure that no one is disadvantaged from your interactions with them, and that includes yourself.

Being assertive involves not being ruthless and getting what you want at other people's expense, but also not allowing other people to get what they want at your expense (being submissive or non-assertive). It is a form of negotiation rooted in:

Knowledge: Knowing about the significance of assertiveness and the important elements of interpersonal interactions that we can influence (for example, understanding key factors such as motivation, conflict and effective communication).

Skills: Being sufficiently adept at active listening, empathy, and getting your point across clearly and firmly without being aggressive is a central feature of the skills set needed for assertiveness.

Values: There has to be commitment to fairness. Assertiveness is not about winning the battle; it is about being sufficiently concerned about both your needs and interests and those of the people you are interacting with to want to produce a situation which everybody finds acceptable. Assertiveness is about avoiding the need to fight battles, not about winning them.

Another example of when assertiveness is misunderstood is when people say things like: 'You'd better not be too assertive with your boss or you'll get sacked'. If we think about this carefully, how is it possible to be too assertive, too skilled at producing outcomes that everybody is reasonably happy with or too committed to developing positive working relationships? So, once again, we have to move away from the idea that being assertive means being stroppy or pushy. Arguably, anyone who is stroppy or pushy towards their boss (or anyone else for that matter) deserves to run the risk of being disciplined.

Perhaps part of the confusion arises from the idea that assertiveness means standing up for your rights. Of course, it does involve standing up for your rights but the key issue is how you do that. You can stand up for your rights in an aggressive way, disrespecting other people in the process, but that would not be assertiveness - quite the opposite, in fact.

It is often said that being assertive means saying 'No', but this is not strictly true, as simply saying 'No' means I am protecting my own interests but disregarding your interests, so there will be no 'win-win' outcome. It is better to think of assertiveness as saying 'No, but... ' - that is, not allowing our own interests and needs to be disregarded, but being prepared to find ways forward where the other person's interests and needs are not disregarded either.

Sometimes this is a simple matter of compromise, but the more skilled we become at being assertive, the more creative we can become at finding ways forward that we can all feel happy with. Simply saying 'No' invites further conflict, rather than resolving or avoiding it.

This issue is particularly important in relation to what is increasingly being referred to as 'professional assertiveness'. This term relates to situations where increased bureaucracy makes it difficult for professionals to use their knowledge and skills and practise in accordance with their professional values. Without a degree of professional assertiveness there is a very real danger that, in these days of managerialism, targets and indicators, some people can risk losing their professional registration if they allow bureaucratic pressures to influence them to behave in ways that are not consistent with their conditions of registration.

What is particularly important about the notion of professional assertiveness is that it opens up the possibility of collective assertiveness, of like-minded people with shared interests working together to produce the best outcomes that are possible in difficult circumstances.

One final oversimplification relates to the effectiveness of assertiveness. Some people (on training courses, I have presented, for example) have wanted to dismiss the value of assertiveness by giving examples of when it hasn't worked. This is, of course, a flawed argument because the fact that an approach might have a less than 100% success rate does not mean that it is not a valuable and worthwhile approach. If we were to reject approaches on the grounds that they are not 100% effective, we would end up rejecting all approaches!

So, assertiveness is not a panacea, but it is an important consideration when it comes to relating to other people and managing the tensions and conflicts that are inevitably involved sooner or later. Failing to develop our assertiveness skills (and the confidence that goes along with it) puts us at a significant disadvantage. Thankfully, these are skills that can be built up over a period of time, and life regularly gives us opportunities to practise them. The starting point needs to be recognising how important they are and how much we are losing out on if we make the mistake of thinking that assertiveness is something we can do without.

The Successful Self

Whether or not something can be defined as successful depends on whether it achieves what it set out to. So, in order to decide whether we have a 'successful self ' we need to be clear about what we want our self, our identity, to achieve. Of course, that is not always an easy question to answer because we do not tend to think of our identity as being about achieving something, it is just who we are.

So, perhaps it might be more helpful to think in terms how happy we are with who we are - to what extent we feel fulfilled in our strivings. In this sense, then, the notion of 'the successful self' can be said to be a spiritual one (whether religious or not) - as it is about how well we feel we fit into our world, how secure and comfortable we are on the one hand and to what extent we are 'living our dream' on the other.

Existentialist philosophy has taught us that it is not wise to conceive of the self as fixed and unchangeable. It is more helpful to think of identity as a process - a journey even - in which we grow and evolve over time, influenced in no small part by people and circumstances we encounter along the way and the wider social (cultural and structural) context in which we live our lives. What direction the journey takes us in, how fulfilling we find it and to what extent we feel we can call it a success will depend in part on choices we make along the way, opening some doors and closing others.

In view of this, some important questions to ask ourselves would be:
• Do you feel comfortable with who you are?
• If so, what is it that makes this the case and how might you be able to use that insight to help others to feel comfortable with themselves?
• If not, what is stopping you from doing so and what might you be able to do in order to
change the situation in a positive direction?
• Do you strive to be more than comfortable, to achieve particular goals?
• If so, do you have a clear plan for achieving them?
• If not, might you have a higher level of well-being if you were to develop some goals for yourself?
• In your work, would there be benefits for you to consider how comfortable in themselves the people you work with are (that is, supervisees, managers, colleagues, clients, service users, patients, customers)?
• Would it help also to support them in identifying goals for themselves if they were happy for you to do so?

Being 'successful' is often interpreted narrowly to mean material success (income, status or social position, for example), but it is arguably the case that material success will not bring about a successful self in the form of happiness or a sense of fulfilment. Feeling comfortable with who we are, being comfortable 'in our own skin', as it were, is much more likely to give us a sense of well-being, but ironically the major focus in modern, western societies seems to be on material success, resulting in overly competitive, highly unequal social relations, with all of the problems such factors can bring for individuals, groups of people, and society as a whole.

Perhaps it is time, then, for us to think very carefully about what we mean by success, how we define it and how we go about trying to achieve it.

Change Your Attitude and You Just Might Change Everything

Are you in a rut? Do find yourself complaining about everything, feeling unhappy, and lacking control in your life? Maybe you are sick of being stuck in the same routine day after day.

Furthermore, do you think you would be happy if only you made more money, had more purpose, were in better shape, drove a nicer car, or had a different job? If this sounds like the way you think on a day to day basis, it is time to snap out of the pity party you are having and to take back control of your life. When we get into ruts in our daily lives, we tend to blame everyone and everything else for the way we feel, and we think that if external things in our lives would change, then everything would be better. The fact is that the power to change everything in our lives lies with our ability to change our attitude. A negative attitude is a habit, and the only way to combat this very bad habit is to take back control of your thoughts and to teach yourself to think differently.

The first step is to realize that you cannot control the way other people think or behave just like you cannot control the traffic or the weather (despite the fact that we let these things ruin our mood on a daily basis!). However, you can, and must, learn to control the way you approach situations in your life. Despite the fact that you cannot control your environment, you can always control how you think! Start by evaluating the things in your life that cause you stress and identify the things that you can and cannot control in these situations. Next, control the controllables! Learn to let go of the things that are out of your control and start focusing on the things that you can change, namely your outlook and your attitude. This type of change happens from the inside-out. If you are willing to make an effort to change the way you think about the situations in your daily life, you will change the way you feel on a day to day basis, which will ultimately change the way you act. By changing the way you think, you will change everything! Your attitude and outlook on life influences your confidence and emotions, which, in turn, influence the choices you make that determine your productivity, efficiency, and successfulness. With a negative attitude, you are not only making yourself feel miserable, but you are preventing yourself from reaching your potential, as well.

Instead of using your mind to decrease your success, you must learn to use your thoughts to create a state of mind for excellence. One of the most important components of this new way of thinking is learning to be your own biggest fan. In other words, you must become your own loudest cheerleader. This might seem silly, but you probably do not even realize how seldom you pat yourself on the back for a job well done. In our society, it is common for us to seek approval from other people and we don't judge our own success until we receive a judgment from someone else. If others provide positive feedback, then we feel good about ourselves, and if others fail to provide feedback or give negative feedback, then we feel invalidated and under appreciated. You have undoubtedly been frustrated because something you did went unrecognized by your boss or your spouse and you have likely felt that other people in your life don not realize how much you sacrifice for your job. This habit of seeking and waiting for others to express appreciation or congratulations must stop. Why are you basing the success of your own work on someone else's opinion? You are an intelligent, logical, independent individual. Give yourself some credit! You know when you do good work, make sacrifices, and take risks. Tell yourself how proud you are! The only side effects of being proud of you are increased confidence, self-worth, and motivation.

If you are in a habit of negative thinking and you continually seek approval from others, learning to cheer for yourself will be a challenging task, and you may need guidance along the way, but it is a challenge you should take head on. You must break down the barriers. Start with the basics: Practice telling yourself how great you look, how capable you are, and how successful you will be. Start holding yourself accountable for good things to happen in your life. Take control of your health, your career, and your attitude. It is time to stop leaving your life up to chance and to stop blaming other people and things for your unhappiness and misdirection. Take control, put a smile on your face, and take a stand for you! Before you know it, everything will be different!

How Big is Your Plate Anyway

Between work, family, activities, meals, and so much more, it is easy to feel overwhelmed and stretched too thin, and being this feeling of being stretched becomes normal and expected in your daily life. If you aren't stressed, overwhelmed, and pushed to the limit, you think something is wrong or you don't know what to do with yourself. There is no doubt that live in a busy society. It seems like we keep taking on new responsibilities in our daily lives, without adjusting our schedules or focusing on our priorities, and it sometimes even seems that being busy has become some sort of crazy bragging right. The truth is that we often allow ourselves to get involved in too many different things, and when this happens, we start losing our grip and are unable to give any one thing enough focus things start slipping through the cracks.

It is important to remember that not all people are able to handle the same amount of activity, stress, and responsibility in their lives. Some of us can only handle one or two things at a time, while there are others who can successfully manage several activities at once. The key to success and sanity is to first understand how much you are capable of holding on your plate. That's right; imagine you have a large porcelain plate that you carry in front of you during all of your daily activities. Everything you have to do and all of your responsibilities rest on this plate. When your plate becomes too full, the first thing that happens is that things start falling off. When you don't listen to these warnings that your life gives you and you keep trying to maintain an over-packed schedule your plate will eventually start to crack. This is when you get yourself into trouble. Once your plate starts to crack, you start losing focus on the most important things in your life and things like your health, your relationships, and your sanity start to suffer. In other words, your plate serves as a foundation, and once that foundation begins to crumble, it is hard to keep anything together. Unfortunately, we don't often pay attention to the cracks in our plates until it is too late and the things we once thought of as priorities have fallen apart. This happens all too often in our society which is why it is so important that you take a few minutes to evaluate your life, your priorities, your schedule, and your capabilities before your plate starts to crumble.

The first thing you need to do is list your priorities. What are the most important things in your life? Maybe family, spirituality, and health are your priorities. You must make sure that these things have a place on your plate where they are nurtured, attended to, and loved. Once you have a pretty good idea of what is most important, ask yourself the critical question of the day: "How big is my plate anyway?" Truthfully, how much can you effectively and responsibly handle? It may take you some time to truly understand how big your plate is, but this type of self-awareness will allow you to grow, to develop, and to achieve success. It is important to get over the notion that having one hundred and one things going on and being stressed out are signs of success. That is just not true. Success comes in fulfilling your priorities, in enjoying the ride, and in feeling a sense of accomplishment. Make sure you always leave room on your plate for laughter, spontaneity, and surprise. Depriving ourselves from enjoying life does not make us more productive, only more miserable!

Once you have an understanding of how much you can truly handle at any one time, you have to next look at all of the responsibilities that you have. What things should be cut from your schedule and what things need more attention? You have to learn to say no when your plate is full and to ask for help when you need it most. This is extremely difficult for many people, and if you look at your at your schedule and find it packed with other people's errands and responsibilities, you know you have a problem. Don't be afraid to focus first on your own priorities and then if you have time, feel free to help out a friend. However, you should not start taking on other people's tasks when you don't have time to get your own things done.

Evaluating your capabilities and responsibilities is an ongoing process. You should be continually aware of how much you plate can hold and how stacked it is. In the midst of your busy schedule and running around from here to there, it is critical that you make time each day for your most important priorities. Even if it is five minutes, give yourself that time. Don't lose sight of your health. Be physically active and eat a healthy diet. Make time for your family. Listen. Be thankful for the gifts. Breathe. Not only will your plate stay strong and balanced but you will become more effective, more pleasant, and more successful, as well. So, before you go to bed tonight, ask yourself, "How big is my plate, anyway?"