The Importance of Assertiveness

The idea of assertiveness is often misunderstood and given a meaning quite different from what is intended. For example, we often hear people say such things as: 'Jane's quite assertive. Everyone is scared of her'. Well, of course, if Jane were genuinely assertive, no one would have any reason to be scared of her, because she would be handling interpersonal interactions very skilfully and sensitively to ensure what the textbooks refer to as 'win-win' outcomes - that is, producing results that all parties involved are reasonably happy with. We have to be very clear that the term 'assertive' does not mean stroppy or pushy; it means having the skills and commitment to try and ensure that no one is disadvantaged from your interactions with them, and that includes yourself.

Being assertive involves not being ruthless and getting what you want at other people's expense, but also not allowing other people to get what they want at your expense (being submissive or non-assertive). It is a form of negotiation rooted in:

Knowledge: Knowing about the significance of assertiveness and the important elements of interpersonal interactions that we can influence (for example, understanding key factors such as motivation, conflict and effective communication).

Skills: Being sufficiently adept at active listening, empathy, and getting your point across clearly and firmly without being aggressive is a central feature of the skills set needed for assertiveness.

Values: There has to be commitment to fairness. Assertiveness is not about winning the battle; it is about being sufficiently concerned about both your needs and interests and those of the people you are interacting with to want to produce a situation which everybody finds acceptable. Assertiveness is about avoiding the need to fight battles, not about winning them.

Another example of when assertiveness is misunderstood is when people say things like: 'You'd better not be too assertive with your boss or you'll get sacked'. If we think about this carefully, how is it possible to be too assertive, too skilled at producing outcomes that everybody is reasonably happy with or too committed to developing positive working relationships? So, once again, we have to move away from the idea that being assertive means being stroppy or pushy. Arguably, anyone who is stroppy or pushy towards their boss (or anyone else for that matter) deserves to run the risk of being disciplined.

Perhaps part of the confusion arises from the idea that assertiveness means standing up for your rights. Of course, it does involve standing up for your rights but the key issue is how you do that. You can stand up for your rights in an aggressive way, disrespecting other people in the process, but that would not be assertiveness - quite the opposite, in fact.

It is often said that being assertive means saying 'No', but this is not strictly true, as simply saying 'No' means I am protecting my own interests but disregarding your interests, so there will be no 'win-win' outcome. It is better to think of assertiveness as saying 'No, but... ' - that is, not allowing our own interests and needs to be disregarded, but being prepared to find ways forward where the other person's interests and needs are not disregarded either.

Sometimes this is a simple matter of compromise, but the more skilled we become at being assertive, the more creative we can become at finding ways forward that we can all feel happy with. Simply saying 'No' invites further conflict, rather than resolving or avoiding it.

This issue is particularly important in relation to what is increasingly being referred to as 'professional assertiveness'. This term relates to situations where increased bureaucracy makes it difficult for professionals to use their knowledge and skills and practise in accordance with their professional values. Without a degree of professional assertiveness there is a very real danger that, in these days of managerialism, targets and indicators, some people can risk losing their professional registration if they allow bureaucratic pressures to influence them to behave in ways that are not consistent with their conditions of registration.

What is particularly important about the notion of professional assertiveness is that it opens up the possibility of collective assertiveness, of like-minded people with shared interests working together to produce the best outcomes that are possible in difficult circumstances.

One final oversimplification relates to the effectiveness of assertiveness. Some people (on training courses, I have presented, for example) have wanted to dismiss the value of assertiveness by giving examples of when it hasn't worked. This is, of course, a flawed argument because the fact that an approach might have a less than 100% success rate does not mean that it is not a valuable and worthwhile approach. If we were to reject approaches on the grounds that they are not 100% effective, we would end up rejecting all approaches!

So, assertiveness is not a panacea, but it is an important consideration when it comes to relating to other people and managing the tensions and conflicts that are inevitably involved sooner or later. Failing to develop our assertiveness skills (and the confidence that goes along with it) puts us at a significant disadvantage. Thankfully, these are skills that can be built up over a period of time, and life regularly gives us opportunities to practise them. The starting point needs to be recognising how important they are and how much we are losing out on if we make the mistake of thinking that assertiveness is something we can do without.

Be Assertive

In all of your human interactions, whether personal, professional, or social, having the ability to tell others how you feel, what you think, and what you believe will influence the quality of your communication, your confidence, your perceived control, and ultimately, your achievements.

These critical skills are encompassed in the trait of assertiveness, which is one of the most important psychological skills related to success and well-being in all aspects of our lives. For some people, being assertive may come very naturally, while others continually struggle with expressing themselves to others. The best part of assertive behavior, however, is that it can be learned, practiced, and perfected. While not always an easy task, becoming more assertive is attainable for all people who are committed and dedicated to making a change.

In order to learn to be more assertive in your life, you have to first understand that being assertive means having the ability to honestly and straightforwardly express your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. This does not mean that in order to be more assertive you should go around telling everyone exactly how you feel and what you are thinking. The vital part of being assertive is learning to express yourself in a socially appropriate manner, meaning that you must understand and take into consideration the situation, environment, and people involved in all of your interactions. In doing this, you must learn to become aware of the potential consequences of your behavior. In other words, ask yourself what the potential outcomes of expressing yourself are. This is an important exercise as our fears of being assertive are revealed and we often realize that they are unrealistic and unfounded. Additionally, by reflecting on our own behavior, we become more aware of the consequences of not expressing ourselves. However, not all people who need to be more assertive are those who do not express themselves at all. Those individuals who are disruptive with their self-expression also need to work on their assertiveness and to evaluate the consequences of there overzealous expressions, which like lack of expression, include perceptions of lacking control and being misunderstood. Whatever your natural behavioral tendencies may be, it is likely that taking the time to work on your own assertiveness will increase the quality and satisfaction of your interactions.

Learning to be more assertive may seem frightening or even impossible. However, assertiveness is a trait that can be learned, practiced, and perfected if you are willing to dedicate the time and energy required. Additionally, becoming more assertive becomes a much easier task when assertiveness is broken down into four specific behaviors that can be targeted and practiced individually. The first of these behaviors is being able to say no. This is such an important skill to develop as it reflects an understanding of your own needs and limitations. When we can't say no to other people, we end up spending all of our time doing things for others and we lose control of our time. Being assertive is about maintaining control of your time, resources, and beliefs, and learning to say no is the first step in this direction. In order to achieve this skill, you have to have an understanding of your resources and your demands. What things do you have to get done? How much time do you have available? Is it realistic that your priorities will be met if you take on additional responsibilities for other people? The second component of assertive behavior is being able to start, continue, and end conversations. If you are going to be able to express yourself, you obviously have to be able to talk to people. Initiating and carrying on conversations with others is so important in developing the confidence to express how you feel and what you think. If this is a major challenge for you, set a simple goal to get started. For example, your goal could be to have a conversation with someone you know during your day. This is a great place to start as having a conversation with a familiar face is usually much easier than initiating a conversation with a stranger. This means that you will walk up to someone you know, start a conversation, carry on the conversation, and then, when you are ready to leave, wrap up the conversation. If this seems too overwhelming, start at the most basic level and challenge yourself to ask someone what time it is.

The key is to make it as simple or as challenging as you need. You want to experience success as you learn to be more assertive, so set your goals at the appropriate level for you. The third component of assertive behavior is being able to express both your positive and negative feelings, meaning that you need to make an effort to express how you feel to others. For example, it should become a habit to say things, such as "I feel happy", excited, or proud. Additionally, it means that you learn to express your negative feelings, such as "I feel disappointed", sad, or discouraged. If you typically avoid telling others how you feel and are more comfortable hiding your true emotions, this component of assertive behavior will be a difficult task that you need to conquer one step at a time. The final component of assertive behavior is being able to ask for help. Be aware of your limitations. When you are overwhelmed, overworked, and overstressed, ask other people to help you out. If you ignore these feelings and expect that someone should just offer to help, you will be run down and left alone in your struggles. If you need help, ask for it. Other people often don't know when to step in unless they are asked to do so.

However big the challenge seems, the key to becoming more assertive is to take it one step at a time. Each day, you should be working on achieving some component of assertive behavior. You may find some tasks to be fairly simple, while the mere thought of others might induce anxiety. Break the more difficult tasks down into small steps, and continue to practice and perfect the behaviors that come more naturally. While you don't want to overwhelm yourself, you have to remember that in order to become more assertive and to change your behavior, you need to step outside your comfort zone by taking risks and expressing what you think and believe. Over time, the behaviors will become more natural you will experience an increase in the quality of your interactions while you are creating new habits and methods of communication. Furthermore, taking the time and effort to work on your self-expression should be a part of your daily tasks, as creating and maintaining habits that foster assertiveness will increase the quality of your personal and professional relationship along with giving you more control of your life. All that you need to get started is the desire to change and to increase the quality of your interactions and most importantly to increase your over all well-being.

So, what are you waiting for? Put your feelings on the line and express yourself!